Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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