just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
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I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
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I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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