time to smoke my breakfast
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I'm really busy with my period
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