Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
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Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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