I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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