Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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