I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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