Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
