mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
