god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
