This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
