I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
