Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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