I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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