The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
