They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
