that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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