God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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