Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
