Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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