I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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