he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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