I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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