So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
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He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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