hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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