I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
