and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
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She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
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She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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