Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
