i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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