genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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