I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
