Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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