Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
