I wish I could punch you in the face.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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