What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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