i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
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Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
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We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize