defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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