A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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