You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
