I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
