i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
high people should be assigned attendants
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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