when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Pants 0. Shit 1.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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