I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
