At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
