Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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