No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
