He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
