listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
