And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
