May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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