I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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