I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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