Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
