I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
